the story of my sister ~ part 1
this long ass entry is the story of my sister... this was copy and pasted into this journal from the rotted one. i thought it would be necessary to know what happened in order to understand where i am now, where i'm going, and why.
fucking sister
08-06-04 @ 3:19 p.m.
sad tumultuous mind just rolling along on this course of self-pity. it won't fade... as soon as i think something is ok... it changes and isn't ok anymore at all.
i went to get my nails done today and who should walk into the salon but my heinous sister and my nephew. she says to me "we just were getting off the escalator and saw you so we wanted to say hi." so i look at my nephew and say hello to him and then don't look at her at all.
how dare she even come up to me... of course, she still thinks i don't know it was her who sent the package but i do and fuck her.
i feel so sad and depressed and down. i feel like things are never going to get better but only will get worse.
i'm sick of all of this... i'm sick of not knowing who i can trust and who i cannot. i'm sick of never being able to trust because the people who taught me trust taught me that no matter what you can never be sure who can be trusted... thanks mom and sister dearest. thanks for teaching me that even someone who is SUPPOSED to love and be there for you cannot be trusted... thanks for ruining my feeling of well being. i always feel like there is something terrible waiting for me... i just don't know when it will hurt me next.
evil has a name
11-21-04 @ 11:56 a.m.
my stupid sister had her son call the house on friday. i don't know why she insists upon putting him in that position. i just think it's so damn selfish of her. he called because he wanted to talk to max. the thing is... it's her responsibility to tell him something so as to avoid the need to call and be rejected.
i feel so bad about it but if i had answered the phone (both husband and brother 1 agree) she would then have her in. it would be her opportunity to try and worm her way back into my life by using her son. i just think it's horrible.
i don't want any contact with her. i don't want anything to do with her and my nephew is then the casualty of that. it's her own fault and now she's setting henry up to be hurt and rejected.
when my kids ask about my nephew i tell them he's at school or at home... they never ask to call him tho' so maybe that's where the difference is. still... it makes me so angry with her for trying to initiate contact when she knows full well that i don't want anything to do with her.
i don't know what to do about it either. i want to do something. i want her to know that i don't want her letting him call. i don't know if she's putting him up to calling or what but there are any number of things she could tell him in order to avoid making the phone call. she just makes me so mad!
my father doesn't believe that she did that to me. what the fuck is that shit? i just talked to him and asked him what he thought i should do... when the topic of that heinous package came up he said "alledgey" what the fuck is that? i KNOW she fucking sent it! i KNOW this in my heart! i KNOW this without a fucking shadow of a doubt that she is the horrendous evil piece of shit that sent that package trying to ruin my marriage and subsequently my life. i KNOW this!!!!
fuck that. fuck it. i'm e-mailing her and telling her that i want nothing to do with her. that she brought this shit upon herself and thusly her son. fuck.
the drama unfolds...
11-21-04 @ 3:21 p.m.
what fun! so i sent my sister the following e-mail message in regards to henry's phone call:
"sister 1,
i would like you to stop making contact with me, husband, or my children. that includes nephew calling. i do not want anything to do with you and that makes him the casualty in all of this.i'm sorry for him that this has happened but that's the way it is now and you will simply have to come up with something to tell him if he's the one who's wanting to call.
i would also like to make it clear that i do think that you're the one who sent that package to husband. i would also like to remind you that even if that hadn't have happened... you and i were still (and would still be) at odds.
you said some truly heinous things to me in the weeks before your final betrayal and that alone is enough for me to want nothing more to do with you. add to that the fact that you threatened to tell husband (at the very least) 4 times prior to that package being sent and it all seems pretty clear.
i'm sorry that you are such an unhappy person that you need to try and ruin the lives of those around you. please stop calling us. stop having nephew call us."
to which she replied:
"you're sorry that i'm such an unhappy person? what the hell nikki? it's funny to hear that from someone such as yourself. in any case, this final betrayal you speak of... was that me asking brother 1 why he didn't like me (which is what you told me)? i didn't realize that was a betrayal. you said that so i asked him. whatever. you're good with trying to talk yourself out of messes you make. i'm glad brother 1 believed your lies. good for you. the point of the call was that nephew misses kid 2 and kid 1 and asks to see them often. but i will tell him that you don't want him to call anymore. i'm really surprised by how childish you still act. at some point you'll grow up and stop being exactly like mom. unless that is just the road life takes you down. and i am not the only person who says you are just like mom. so that's not a low blow, it's the truth."
um... can you say delusional?!? what the fuck? she's crazy...
so i replied with the following:
"no the final betrayal was sending that package to husband. i know you did it. i know you told dad all about it and then proceeded to tell him that you didn't do it. you're full of shit.regardless... it ended up being one of the best things you've ever done in regards to me. the secret is out and my marriage withstood it and is stronger now because of it. didn't turn out the way you had hoped huh?
you can tell nephew whatever you want. in the end he will learn the truth just like we did with mom."
wanna take bets on what sort of horrendous shit she'll come back with after that?!?
i just can't believe how fucking retarded she is. the way she turns shit around is absolute genius! wow... so that's that for now.
well... here's the final installment of the drama. i'm not responding because really... what should i say?
"it's pretty amusing that you think i'm the one who sent that package to husband. first of all, you told me it was an envelope. 2nd of all, you said the post mark was menomonee or something. 3rd of all, you said it came to you in chicago at some hotel. how the fuck would i know where you were? whatever nik, you already told me in the beginning that you knew it wasn't me. i would've told husband to his face, had i decided it was my place to tell him. i hated knowing what you had done cuz it was a shitty thing to do. but i didn't want to be the one to bring such bad news to husband. i never read your online diary. i don't even know if it was onlinejournal.com or diaryland.com. why would i want to read about some shit i hated hearing you did? come on nikki. as disgusted as i was, i would never want to be the one to tell husband. plus, i've found out since then that you've told several other people the story. so obviously i wasn't the only one who knew. and those people are telling other people. i had nothing to do with that. that's too bad for you though. i know it kills you that you don't know who did this to you, so you're trying to blame someone. i think you know better, but you're lost over it... you always have to have someone to hate right? well i know you know that i didn't do it, even though you're telling everyone that i did. i wonder if you told the real person who did it, that you thought it was me... i bet they laughed. as for me telling dad, i told him exactly what you told me. and then rob told dad the same things. so yeah dad knows, but he heard the same thing from me and brother 1. whatever you said."
i just don't even know what to respond if i were to respond. i mean, what do i say? i told her that i knew it wasn't her because i didn't want her to do more things to hurt me. interesting that she wouldn't have thought of that. i just don't understand her or her misguided statements. if anyone has some enlightenment i'd love to hear it...
"i believe you", she said.
11-22-04 @ 12:44 p.m.
"nikki, i believe you."
i cannot even begin to explain how important those three little words were... i believe you... so incomprehensibly important. i feel better.
i talked to my step-mom today. she made me feel so much better. i slept badly, had bad dreams, cried, etc... last night over this shit. am i a bad person? sometimes i truly question it.
so step-mom called this morning to ask about mundane christmas stuff and then to also ask about what she should tell sister 1. it seems sister 1 was over there last week and the topic of christmas came up. she was told that husband & i won't be around this year and her immediate reaction was to say "because of me?". step-mom played it off and said that it was because we don't have kid 1 this year and have decided to not try and do both families every year. step-mom wanted to know if she should tell siser 1 that it is because of her. so then we started talking about the e-mails from yesterday. my conversation with my dad yesterday and so on. at which point step-mom says... "nikki, i believe you.". i feel so relieved.
i was feeling like the manipulation that sister 1 pulls over everyone's eyes was truly taking over and that the people who matter most to me didn't believe me. why would i lie about that? why would i think it if sister 1 was this perfect angel? so step-mom believes me and i feel so much better.
she says that my dad feels badly for sister 1 because she's a single parent and so on. sister 1 has also been filling my dad's head with lies... telling him that she never goes out (hasn't been "out" in fact all year) and that she has no friends. she's so fucking full of shit and my dad bought all of it. so she's got him wrapped around her finger because he feels sorry for her. the funny thing is that my sister brought all of this upon herself. she's a single parent because she CHOSE to be one. nephew's dad wanted to be with her but she didn't want to be with him. she married someone else and then decided that it wasn't worth working on or fighting for so she left him... all the things that have occurred in her life are the products of her own doing. she brought it all on herself.
i'm working on forgiving myself for the transgression against my marriage. it's hard. it's hard when she says such hurtful things to me. husband loves me... brother 1 loves me... and they love me in spite of my shortcomings. they love me even tho' i'm flawed. i am so lucky, grateful and glad that they do! they are the rocks that keep me from floating off into crazy land. they keep me grounded and sane. i'm really lucky to have them and now i also have julie. i feel so much less alone... thank you guys who left me comments... i really really needed to hear that stuff and i appreciate your support more than you know.
what goes around comes around
12-20-04 @ 8:53 p.m.
what goes around comes around
what goes around comes around
i keep telling myself that she will get hers. i know that it will happen but i just wish she'd leave me alone. my name shouldn't be on her lips... nor thoughts of me in her head. it's just over.
i'm done. i don't want her in my life and i wish that her name wouldn't keep popping up on people's lips.
i had a telephone conversation with mr. l last night. it went really quite well after the back and forth myspace messages. my closure has indeed been had for that chapter of hurt in my life. it's a wonderful feeling.
however, he did enlighten me to the fact that he knows about my cheating on husband. who told him you might ask... considering he's not been a part of my life in something like 8 years... well, none other than sister 1 of course! so here this girl is running her mouth telling my business to any tom, dick, or harry that will listen to her.
here she's going on and on about how wretched of a person i am but she then turns around and does this shit over and over again?!?
how is it that i'm supposed to put it behind us when it keeps popping up at every turn?
jesus that girl needs to get a life and stop trying to make herself feel and look better by airing my dirty laundry. she's fucking crazy i tell you...
fucking sister!
12-24-04 @ 8:20 a.m.
i have this friend named m. this friendship is pretty new but she's been friends with my brother for some time now and he's only had very nice things to say about her so that's good enough for me. i think she's awesome. she's fun, friendly, trustworthy, honest, kind, considerate, a good listener, and all in all a good friend. i enjoy her company immensely.
my sister has hated m for as long as i've known who she is. m is good friends with sister1's ex-husband and that pisses sister1 off. sister1 has sent m some horrible e-mail telling her how much she hates her and has done it more than a few times.
so m gets an e-mail from sister1 a day or two ago asking if they still have beef between them. m replies with a "no" and says that she wants no drama and would like everything to be cool. she then tells my sister merry christmas and leaves it at that.
this is the reply that my sister sent m:
Body:
From: sister 1
Date: Dec 22, 2004 05:23 PM
yeah that's good. i don't want any more drama either... it sucks nikki is doing all this shit. but whatever... it probably sounded weird for me to tell you to be careful - like i'm sure you don't expect me to look out for you, but seriously... we have more in common than you think - and i can see that even though we both act tough, we both tend to be rather fragile underneath. i'm not saying that nikki doesn't like you or anything, i'm sure she does. but i know a lot of her myspace postings are used to try to piss me off, like by calling you family. there's a joke going around that nikki and brother 1 replaced sister1 with m... whatever. so just know in the back of your mind that she does have a few ulterior motives... but have fun with it. let her take you out and buy you shit... haha... i just would hate to see you get hurt because of her. it sucks to see anyone get hurt because of her. plus i feel i've been shitty enough to you... you don't deserve to have her play with the situation... so yeah, merry christmas as well. and i hope you know that even though i've sent you some nasty pissed off messages, when i have apologized or whatever, i've been super honest. i just lose my temper easy and say the meanest shit i can... sorry about all that. so if i run into you over the holidays, i'll buy you a drink... haha. unless i see you with nikki, in which case, i'll probably leave... haha... merry christmas m.
now then... my issue is this. why can't my fucking sister stay the fuck out of my life? why does she have to go and tell people that i'm friends with this sort of shit? she's so fucking mean and i don't know why she can't just go away.
she's such an asshole... so i ask again... how do i stop dwelling and thinking about this shit if she won't get the fuck out of my life? how do i move on when she's going around telling people this sort of shit and worse?
if you've got any christmas advice i'd love to hear it... i just want her to get the fuck out of my life and stay out. i don't want my name to cross her lips much less have her say nasty things about me to people i'm friends with.
so husband says that sister1 probably knew that m would give me that and tell me about it. husband says that sister1 has "won" because this is bothering the shit out of me. i just don't understand why people think she's a good person and deserving of anything nice when she's such a fucking asshole.
if i had a penny for every time sister1 has said something truly nasty about someone i'd be a fucking billionaire!
there's so much more to the story than just this tho'...
sister1 used to be married to d.
d. is a good guy and put up with a lot and tried really hard to make the marriage work. of course, i didn't really know all this until the marriage was over.
my sister claimed he "abused" her in many ways and i even helped her "get out" at one point. well... it seems that she lied about the whole shitting thing. blew everything out of proportion and changed her story so that she was totally the victim and had no fault in any of their fights or arguments. she said some truly heinous things about d.
she's also told me that d. has never liked me or husband so i have always been under that impression. m and d. are friends (as i stated before)... so i asked m one day if d. really hated me and she said no. so i added him to my friendlist on myspace. we've got many of the same friends and since he didn't hate me i figured... what the hell.
not to mention... a small part of me knew sister1 would be pissed.
so then the following myspace e-mails transpired between d. and i yesterday:
---------------- Original Message -----------------
From: d
Date: Dec 23, 2004 10:05 AM
last thing I heard you hated my guts? what's with the love now? Not trying to sound mean or harsh, just for real curious. and you know carey and I are on speaking terms, I know she done me wrong on alot of levels, a lot. so if you don't mind can this be about you and I and not about carey.. I chose to be her friend, I realize you abandoned her for your reasons, so yeah lets leave it at that.. but this brings it back to square one.... what's up nikki?
---------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki
Date: Dec 23, 2004 10:23 AMd. i've never had a problem with you at all. i was told the same thing about you hating me... so... i will assume here that the source is the same and maybe we should just consider that.
m told me you didn't hate me so i thought that would be a good time to add you. up until then i was under the impression that you didn't like us and haven't ever liked me or brian.
so if we're cool... then we're cool... yes?
---------------- Original Message -----------------
From: d.
Date: Dec 23, 2004 11:39 AMStarted out I liked you both.. then things happened, and I heard from more than one person that you really didn't like me at all. made me a little sad, cause I never meant for anyone to hate on me especially you guys. real weird situation, cause seriously I tried with all of that stuff. Than to have everyone hate on me? I didn't know what to do so the only thing I knew was to back off and get out of the situation.. as for husband, I always and still have love for him.. He is one of the nicest people I have ever met. and I never hated you I just don't like people talking when they don't know, ya know..
I'm still friends with your sister cause really she needs one.. maybe just maybe you could show some love too.. It's x mas... and unlike me you are blood, you have more stock in it than I do and I know she deep down has a good heart.. The damage is done and it's not like you have to hang out with each other, but wouldn't it be better for at least the kids that you guys be civil enough? think about that one for a min.
I'm all done with drama, my life turned out better than I could have imagined . So I'm really straight with drama at the moment.. I don't hate on anyone nikki, no one should.. i mentioned drama cause it could be if your sister see's that your my friend.. but I am curious to what you have to say. thanks for writing back..
merry x-mas to all you guys.
d
---------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nikki
Date: Dec 23, 2004 08:36 PMi never said to anyone that i didn't like you. i was less than pleased with you when i was hearing of all the "abuse" you were heaping on sister1. that would be the only time and/or reason i would have any dislike for you. if others are telling you that i have said that then they are mistaken.
d, you do what you need to do. there were no ulterior motives for my adding you. we have many of the same friends... i found out you didn't really hate me... i added you. simple as that.
if you need to delete me for personal reasons then i understand. no hard feelings.
merry christmas to you too... i hope you have a fun holiday.
i just want us to be cool so when i see you out i don't feel uncomfortable saying hello. like at our premiere for example... ok?
take care,
nikki
now... i'd like to point out that in the very first message he tells me we're not going to talk about sister1. however... by his last message he's talking about her going on and on about how i should show some love... it being christmas and all... and that she's got no one and so on and so forth.
well... i don't want to talk shit about her to him because now i'm certain that these messages are getting back to her. so i avoided talking about her all together. i wanted to tell him that it's sister1's own damn fault that she's got no one because she's burned her bridges and fucked everyone over. i wanted to tell him that she's a compulsive liar who will do and say anything to keep those lies from being found out. i wanted to tell him that she's a manipulative little troll who is working him like putty in her hands. i wanted to tell him that i don't give a flying fuck if she commits suicide and that'd i'd be happy to see her do it.
yes... i said that and i fucking mean it. i would love to have her gone... she's a blister of puss on humanity just like my mother. the world would be a much better place with those two people gone. nephew's got a fantastic father... which, by the way, no one would know by what sister1 says about him. additionally, if sister1 decided to commit suicide that's her own fucking selfish shit and i'm not going to waste any of my time crying over it. fuck her and fuck her life. i don't give a shit and i wish she'd just get the fuck out of my life and leave me alone. she's done nothing but cause misery and pain the whole time we've been adults. sadly... she can't/won't go away so easily since we are indeed family. i wish we weren't tho'. i wish i never knew her. i wish she'd drop off the face of the earth. i never want to see or hear her or anything about her.
happy almost new year
12-31-04 @ 9:12 a.m.
my sister is at it again... leaving shitty myspace references on mr. l's page regarding my lisp. so i suppose i've not mentioned that... so i will now... i've got a lisp. it's centered on "s" and when i'm thinking about it it's about 10x's worse than when i'm not thinking about it. many of my friends claim to have never noticed before... but it was an issue for me when i was dating mr l. you see... his name ends in s and when one adds on the rolling spanish r then it makes for a mess in my mouth. so i had a hard time saying his name although i tried diligently to do it correctly. i didn't want to call him the americanized version since that wasn't his name... so i tried to say it right and usually mangled it something awful. my sister played on that in a comment post on mr. l's page:
"sister1
Dec 27, 2004 10:51 AM
they make WHO feel bad? andresss(spit)sssss(splatter)sssss(spit)...
go ahead and laugh cuz you know that shit was funny.... ;)by the way, my bathroom smells like throw up."
i guess it just really bothers me that she's so damn proud of being an asshole. she's so damn happy that she hurts people and then plays it off that she's not a mean asshole. how does that work exactly? i mean... how can one be happy to hurt people and then in the same breath say that they're not like that? what the fuck?
so i know i should get over this shit... i know this... so save your breath... but i just can't seem to clear the hurdle no matter how many attempts i make.
that's the good thing about me tho'... i'm not a quitter so i'll figure out how to get past it... in time.
welcome 2005!
01-01-05 @ 6:33 p.m.
a new year... a new beginning... a new day has come... and gone.
i'm relieved to see 2004 take it's leave. that chapter is closed and this new one will be better.
yesterday there were rumors circulating that my sister would be at o for new years... that's where my brother, myself, our respective significant others, and all our friends were planning to ring in the new year.
sure enough... we arrive and there she is sitting at the bar. so i guess she talked to husband and sought out brother1 to talk to him as well. later in the evening c told me that sister1 and her friend followed us to the bathroom. sister1 then proceeded to wish c a happy new year and promptly leave the bathroom as swiftly as she came in. leaving her friend to lay in wait for (and presumably to report back) any ill wishes or negativity c and i might spew in her absence. not a word was said and when c and i left the bathroom... suspiciously enough... sister1's friend followed right behind us.
i am very proud of myself that i maintained that sort of composure and managed to even forget her existence a few short moments later. i had a great time.
she left sometime shortly after and i don't even know exactly when she left. it was well before midnight i think.
maybe not...
the point is, i guess, that i didn't even notice her departure and thusly managed to get over that hurdle. yea me!
i'm certain that her intentions in being there were to ruin our evening.
i was discussing it with m and it makes no sense that she (meaning my sister) would want to do something celebratory with people who have no interest in her company nor any positive feelings towards her. why would someone want to put him/herself in the position to obviously be rejected? no one was happy to see her there...
i know for a fact that if i know i'm going to run into people who don't have a liking for me that i'm not going to go out of my way to attend such an event. why put yourself in the position?
it just makes no sense...
not fucking again...
01-13-05 @ 7:32 p.m.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
copycat, copycat...
Current mood: annoyed
"is it true that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery? cuz i think it's bullshit. especially when it comes to tattoos. don't people get tattoos to sort of individualize themselves? in any case, i just wanted to point out the fact that i think it is super lame to steal other people's tattoo ideas. for example, if i said i was going to get dragons, and then you run out and get dragons - and then i say since you stole my dragons, i'm going to get foo dogs, then you run out and get foo dogs... not to mention that you already copied the indonesian mask i have on my back and got one almost identical to it... but now that i've filled in my left forearm with flowers and then to see you do it too? and to hear you say they are also going to get a similar "777" tattoo... not that i'm the only one to have these particular tattoos, but for someone close to me to run out and get similar things is just super frustrating. um, yeah this all hypothetical... lol. pathetic. truly pathetic..."
um... yeah. i would like to point out first of all... i have never seen my sister's arm tattoo of the flowers she's claiming to have... nor do i have a 777 tattooed anywhere on my person. this girl is truly lame... and um... lame.
i'm already in a pissy mood and then to have this particular myspace blog entry pointed out makes it even worse. i fucking hate this girl with a passion that is unparalleled by anything i've felt before... oh, wait a minute... i hate my mother equally... my bad.
nice
01-16-05 @ 9:10 a.m.
suspicion... sucks.
that blog entry that my sister wrote about me is gone... i commented on it saying: "not hypothetical. simply untrue." at which she replied: "funny you should reply. i'm the one who tells the truth. remember?"
so i wrote her a myspace e-mail telling her that it was bullshit. that she never talked to me about dragons or fu dogs. that she KNOWS this to be true. that we talked about the mask on my back BEFORE i got it and she was cool with it... that if she wasn't cool with it then she should have said something then. i also told her that i got my orchids back in november... didn't know she had flowers and quite frankly don't care. i also told her that, even tho' it may be hard to believe, i have no interest in copying her and that i'm tired of her tormenting me. i said that i don't do things to get to her... i don't think about her that much. sorry. then i said why can't she just squash this shit and leave me alone.
she removed that entry and wrote "...don't be angry..." on her page.
seriously... she's crazy as a shit house bat! i thought i had issues but c'mon now... what is wrong with my sister? i just want her to leave me alone and move along with her life. is it truly possible that what i wrote to her made an impact or is the ax about to fall? i suspect the latter of the two... knowing my sister.
i suspect she has something wonderfully heinous in store for me and now all i have to do is wait. this sucks. i can't even begin to fathom what it might be...
not my issue
05-07-05 @ 10:15 p.m.
my brother's wedding party has come and gone and my sister was decidedly not invited.
i heard rumors from various family members that speculation was occurring as to why she was not invited.
today i get the following myspace mail message in my in box:
"From: sister1
Date: May 7, 2005 5:32 PM
i actually thought this whole thing would blow over, but you keep turning people against me. nikki, i swear on everything that i had nothing to do with telling husband about the cheating. i wish you would believe me. but i see you don't. and after not being invited to brother1's wedding, when he invited uncle m and i, truly truly hurt. i honestly have no clue why brother1 won't speak to me, but i can only assume that you had something to do with it.i don't know what i ever did to you to make you go out of your way to continue trying to hurt me. i tried to be tough and act like it didn't bother me, but it does. so congratulations, you really hurt me. hope you feel better now."
real flippin' nice. so i could do two things here... i could reply with a long diatribe describing, in detail, what the fuck my brother's problem is with sister1 or i could just tell her to talk to him. since i'm not interested in this drama i decided to just tell her to talk to him... my reply was this:
"From: nikki
Date: May 7, 2005 6:16 PM
i have nothing to do with the issue between you and brother1. if you want to know why he didn't invite you... ask him. "
apparently she didn't like this answer because then i got this:
"From: sister1
Date: May 7, 2005 8:19 PMdon't you think i've tried that? like 20 times... whatever. dad said c now doesn't like me either. i'm over it. like i said, you won."
what's this you won bullshit. there's no fucking contest. i'm not interested in competing with her and never was... i'm just not interested in the drama.
so lame.
so her myspace page is all changed now too... someone told me to check it and that's just what i did. it's empty with the comment at the top "...she won..."
how fucking retarded is this shit? it just makes me so mad. i didn't respond and i blocked her ass from contacting me. she's just trying to gain the sympathy of her myspace friends and make me the bad guy in the process. i have nothing to do with why rob or cola doesn't like her. it's not my issue. it makes me so fucking angry.
grrrrrr
who does that shit?
06-12-05 @ 7:16 a.m.
wow. i knew that my sister was evil but i honestly didn't think ANYONE was THAT evil.
my sister is really pissed off that she wasn't invited to my brother's wedding. she blames me and has blamed me for the rift between her and my brother. now, for the record, i have and had nothing to do with whatever brother1's issue is with sister1. It�s none of my business and i try not to get into it. so she freaked the fuck out when she found out she wasn't invited and posted on her myspace page the following statement: "she won". she left it up there for a few days with nothing else on the page and then deleted her account. she also messaged me saying that i won and that she's really hurt and blah blah blah.
i replied to her that i had nothing to do with whatever brother1's issue is with her and that she should message him if she wants to know.
so last week she shows back up on myspace... husband gets an anonymous e-mail with a link to theguy i cheated with, i start getting nasty comments in here, and all hell breaks loose in my life for an overnight stay.
yesterday theguy messaged me and said that sister1 contacted him... BEFORE husband contacted him.
put two and two together and it is proven that the anonymous e-mailer is sister1. i knew this to be true in my gut but there was no proof. i believe her contacting theguy... when i've not talked to theyguy in months... is proof that she was up to something.
she's fucking insane!
so my crazy ass sister is using our lives as a competition. i'm not interested in competing with her for anything! in fact, i wish she'd just die already... that or at the very least get a fucking life.
i can't believe that she's that fucking nutty to be trying to ruin my marriage by reopening an old wound. i mean, who does that shit? who really does that shit?
go the fuck away...
06-30-05 @ 10:32 p.m.
i got an e-mail from my sister today. why you ask? good question... i haven't got a clue.
the e-mail is as follows:
From: sister1
To: nikki
Date: Thu Jun 30, 2005 04:14:24 PM CDT
Subject: to nikki
so i keep trying to let this all go, but it keeps escalating beyong my control. obviously i'm aware that you and i have our differences, but i really want this all to stop. dad told me you told step-mom some stuff and then i messaged m (pretty nicely) asking her why she called me an evil troll on ryan's myspace page and she replied about the same crap dad told me about a fake myspace profile. man i wish i knew what you guys were talking about. being blamed for something you have no clue about is the worst feeling.nikki i'm over all this drama. i've been minding my own business for super long and i hate that this is still all going on. so i guess this is me making an attempt at amends. can it stop? what do i have to do? i don't go out to places i know you'll be at, i don't talk about you other than if dad invites me somewhere and i ask if you and rob will be there. it all just feels so shitty and i don't even understand it all.
and as far as ip addresses go, i don't know how all that shit works. dad said this fake profile matched the ip address of my profile. i admit i did send thatguy a message, which i'm sure he told you. because a long time ago he sent me a message asking what i thought - and if he should leave you alone. since he asked me then and i replied then that i didn't know what to say because i was uncomfortable with the whole situation - then recently i saw my friend paul was in your fan club and being nosey, i looked at it. i saw thatguy and sent him a message asking if he still talked to you because i was going to tell him that he shouldnt' be on there. it seemed from what i hear around, that you and brian were doing good. thatguy replied super awkward to my message and so i wrote back "nevermind" - realizing it was none of my damn business. and then i even worried if somehow my good intentions would backfire. sure enough.
i'm not trying to ruin your life. i wish you would stop telling everyone that. i've even heard that some of your younger friends are planning to beat me up when they see me. nikki you have kids - imagine if some girls came up to you when you're with your boys. please tell your friends to grow up slightly. i'd hate for them to confront me in front of henry. he doesn't need to be exposed to that - plus i don't even know that girl, so you have to admit how immature it is for her to say that... and you know i've always liked husband - i've always said i thought he was a super good person. i'm impressed at his love for you, by willing to work through it all. that says something about character and you know you're lucky to have him. why would i want to ruin that? you've said before things about me being miserable and wanting to ruin things for you - or maybe i said that... either way, things in my life are finally good. i really want to avoid all this negative. i want to be able to enjoy my life and not have to keep hearing 3rd party information of all these dumb girls (sorry to insult your friends, but they don't know me so really they shouldn't talk about me). i keep telling people not to point shit out to me. i don't look at your profile because i really don't want to read bad things about me. but some people feel the need to tell me or shit, quote it directly. it sucks and i really want it all to stop.
can you talk to me?
when i received this i got really really mad. i mean... who does she think she is sending me this shit? i just want her to go away.
now then... i replied. yes, i realize that it was probably NOT in my best interest to reply but i did and it was as follows:
"From: nikki
To: sister1
Date: Thu Jun 30, 2005 09:59:19 PM CDT
Subject: Re: to nikkiyou know what? i don't believe a word you say. i think you are a compulsive liar who believes her own lies. you lie in the same way you breathe... unconsciously. you have lied about many things in the past and you've been caught in those same lies. why should this be any different? you admitted lying to me in the past and even admitted to me that you've lied to other people too... i don't care why you do the things you do nor do i care about "working things out" with you. i just want you to leave me and my family alone. i don't want anything to do with you. i don't want to see you, talk to you, hear about you, or know that you exist.
i have no interest in what you're doing in your life or whether or not its running smoothly or amuck.
i have no control over what other people do and don't really give a shit because what they do is no reflection on me. if you get your ass kicked it has nothing to do with me... what goes around comes around carey and if you can't admit to all the heinous things you've done in your life that's fine. you're the one who has to live with that shit.
who do you think your fooling with all your faux positivity and bullshit happy thoughts? i don't buy it. additionally, you hated brian when you met him and continued to hate him on and off after that. he doesn't believe your bullshit and neither do i.
i think you are a truly manipulative, psychotic, and evil person and i have no interest in knowing you.
by the way... the whole reason i haven't said this shit to you prior to now is because i didn't want to fuel your psycho ass to try and wreck my life further.
i mean and meant every single word. so you know what i got back? this:
"From: sister1
To: nikki
Date: Thu Jun 30, 2005 09:03:48 PM CDT
Subject: Re: to nikki
well that was my attempt. i'm really surprised at what you have to say. i really feel sorry for you. i tried to make this go away, but like you said "what goes around comes around". you'll see.
i don't know about you but that sounded very threatening indeed... so i responded with the following:
"From: nikki
To: sister1
Date: Thu Jun 30, 2005 10:28:33 PM CDT
Subject: Re: to nikkithat sounds like a threat... if anything goes down with my life or family you better believe its all going to be in your lap.
i just want you to leave me alone. don't talk to me, don't talk to my family, don't contact us, don't contact us anonymously.
JUST LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE.
i wasn't even thinking about you until you contacted husband. i wasn't even worried about what psycho thing you'd do next until you had to hurl your bullshit into my life.
if you want this to be over then leave us alone and it will be. i have nothing to say about you or to you... just leave us alone.
go find someone else to torment.
fuck... and all i want is for her to go the fuck away...
more of my craziness
07-01-05 @ 8:42 a.m.
why is it that she has the power to make me feel like shit? i mean, i KNOW that everything she says to me is a load of shit but it still urks me. grrrr...
so i got a reply from my sister. it was waiting in my inbox this morning and goes a little something like this:
From: sister1
To: nikki
Date: Thu Jun 30, 2005 11:57:40 PM CDT
Subject: Re: to nikki
how does that sound like a threat? i only repeated what you said. you act so friggin psycho. find some self-love girl. that was no threat. i meant karma is a bitch. you say you dont' have any control over your little 22 year old friends, um, hello... you're the one telling them crap to make them hate me. therefore you are to blame if anything happens to me. i'm an adult now and if your little friends think they can start shit, well i have a great lawyer and lets just say i'm not afraid to tattle. anyways, i meant what goes around comes around the same way you did - you treat me like shit, talk stupid shit to all these people, tell lies about me - you even fake concern to some hoping somehow they will think you are less of a shithead - guess what? you're not fooling anyone. people know you are sad and pathetic and insecure and are only nice to you out of pity. duh. people are nice to me because they actually like me. i know you have jealousy issues with me - it's been that way since like the fucking 4th grade. grow up nikki. i don't give 2 shits about you cuz honestly i think you are a waste of existence - i think you bring misery to anyone you are close to because you are so damn miserable inside. i haven't spoken to husband since right after r.o. got shot. ask him. that was the last time i ever called him. oh wait, he said happy new years to me at o. that was my last contact with him. go ahead and ask him. stop creating drama nikki. you're the one acting fucking psycho and contacting my myspace friends. they see how phony you are and like i said before, they pity you. because you are pathetic. you know rumor on the street is that husband only stayed with you because he was afraid you'd kill yourself if he left you. wow. i'm done talking to you. you are worthless. nice try at saying i was threatening you - considering i only quoted your previous email. karma will kick you in the ass for using people and treating them like shit - actually, i think karma already got you, as you are obviously miserable.now leave me alone. and stop talking to my friends. they only think you are more psycho. stop looking at my stupid myspace profile and commenting back and forth to your little friends. grow up nik. everyone has to at some point. you'd think at 32 you'd understand that.
i'm just so tired of her. i really wish she'd just die off. i mean... she can't just go away... she's gotta keep coming back to dig at me a little more. so now i'm sitting here wondering who she's talking about. i mean, if you're gonna say shit like this then you should at the very least back it up with some names of real people.
so i replied with the following because i didn't want to add more fuel to her crazy ass fire:
From: nikki
To: sister1
Date: Fri Jul 01, 2005 09:20:44 AM CDT
Subject: Re: to nikkias i said before. i don't look at your profile. i don't think about you. i don't care about you.
i don't know who of your friends you think i'm contacting. i talk to people that i have relationships with outside of myspace.
whatever sister1...
please don't contact me ever again.
how retarded is all this shit?
print it out and save it
07-01-05 @ 3:41 p.m.
in yet more ridiculously dramatic news my sister wrote me back... twice.
oh, wait a minute... let me back up. i wrote her another reply after the last one that i mentioned in the earlier entry today. so when i rethought what she wrote i got really quite angry and sent her a 2nd e-mail that said this:
From: nikki
To: sister1
Date: Fri Jul 01, 2005 10:12:29 AM CDT
Subject: one more thing
why does that sound like a threat? well, because of all the other horrendous things you've already done to me in the past year after i told you i didn't want you in my life anymore. maybe because you started threatening me and then magically those threats come true? maybe because when you find out that everything worked out in my marriage and that you didn't succeed in facilitating its demise you took it a step further. maybe because you have done so many horrible things to other people that i can't possibly believe you when i'm on the receiving end of said things. maybe because i don't trust you and you manage to hurt just about every person who comes close to you... it's only a matter of time before the one's you've got fooled now find out.why would i be jealous of you? you don't have one single thing that i want.
as for k. not liking you... she knows more people that you know then you think. if she doesn't like you then that's not my problem. if she does something stupid that too is not my problem. she's an adult... she thinks for herself...
i don't talk shit about you because i don't think about you. i've said that already but you can't seem to get it that when i'm out with my friends i'm having a good time with my friends. i'm not thinking about you thusly i have no reason to talk about you.
i really don't care what you think of me because your opinion doesn't matter to me. maybe it did at one point but that was before you tried to ruin my life. that was before i realized that you don't care about anyone but yourself. that was before i realized that you will do anything to make yourself feel better about your own existence.
i still don't know who you're talking about when you say i contact your myspace friends so if you'd like to elaborate on that please... go right ahead.
as for your "rumor on the street" only husband knows why husband stayed with me. considering i'm married to him and not to anyone else i don't give a shit what other people think... i know what husband feels and that's good enough for me.
oh, and you did threaten me in your last e-mail. husband read it and thinks so... brother1 read it and thinks so... i think that it will hold up in court if i ever need a restraining order on you.
now then... stop wasting your time and energy on such hateful matters... go play with nephew since he's likely in his room playing alone.
then i left for my photo shoot. when i returned an hour or so ago i opened my mailbox to reveal the following two e-mails:
From: sister1
To: nikki
Date: Fri Jul 01, 2005 12:03:33 PM CDT
Subject: Re: one more thing
husband and brother1 read it and think it's a threat? wow nikki. you are lost. i only quoted what you wrote. anything bad that happens to you is probably deserved by something you've done. i don't care about you and could care less about wasting my time on you. you told me to stop writing you, then you write me some more. get over it nik. stop harassing me. i sent you that first email yesterday to make amends, you wrote back all psycho. did brother1 and husband read the ones you wrote? how is it that i can keep our stuff between us but you have to bring EVERYONE else into it. grow the fuck up.
and
From: sister1
To: nikki
Date: Fri Jul 01, 2005 12:17:02 PM CDT
Subject: p.s.
i think it's really cute how you quote the things i say to you and use them back on me. you are so clever. did you use your dictionary for this email?go away psycho.
my only reply was: "you are dead to me."
my stupid fucking sister!
08-24-05 @ 5:03 p.m.
the other day i was poking around on myspace and found a group named after a book i once read.
as i poked around this group i found a discussion thread titled "suicide girls = conformity" which peaked my interest. i began reading it...
i get to the middle of the 3rd page and what do you suppose i find? my sister! my fucking sister belongs to this group... which i suppose shouldn't have been surprising since she knew the dude who wrote it when she was living in california.
anyway... so i begin to read what my sister's take was on it and here's what i got an eyeful of:
"sister1
F/28
beer city,
Wisconsin
Posted: Aug 18, 2005 1:44 PMmiss janie lee, i am inspired through reading your explanation of feminism being more of an "equalism" - i too thought of feminists and picture the butch, hairy armpit, cargo pants wearing man-haters... so i appreciate you pointing out a different way to look at it...
ok so i just finished reading all the posts in this bulletin - as the "suicide girl=conformity" title caught my eye... i have a family member who has recently become a suicide girl so this is definitely something i'm curious about now... so, please correct me if i'm wrong, but can't pretty much ANYONE become a suicide girl? i've heard that they pay you only like $200 and then you're in... someone else told me you had to pay to become one - which blew my mind, and i'm thinking isn't correct... so if anyone knows, i'm interested in what the benefits are of becoming a suicide girl - are they paid?
my issue with the suicide girls stems from my personal experience with this relative. she has always had severe issues with self esteem and even went so far as to have enormous breast implants (from a saggy 34B to a 32DD). at first she hated the attention that "they" received, but then she grew to love it, then again would hate it... everywhere she went everyone (men, women and children) stared at her breasts... she's a small girl so they were obviously fake boobs - and people would point and whisper and frat boys would even shout things... she only had them for about 10 months before taking them out and it was by far the biggest emotional rollercoaster i had ever seen her on... now that they are removed, her breasts are even saggier having been stretched out from an implant the size of her head... so her self esteem worsened... she has also gone so far as to cover most of her body with tattoos (*which i'm not against, so please don't take that the wrong way. i have a ton of tattoos myself - most of mine were gifts from friends who were tattooers, drawn just for me, or i chose something beautiful as a decoration to myself... i don't list tattoos in my interests and i definitely do NOT believe they define me as a person. they are a personal decoration, like wearing your favorite tshirt everyday. but there is definitely a difference between getting something beautiful or meaningful to you than covering yourself to try to get attention or distract from a physical appearance you are unhappy with*) anyways, back on topic... her lack of self-esteem has now lead her to the suicide girls and onlypaperdolls.com and i believe some other "alternative" nude model websites...
i am embarrassed for her. i look at suicide girls and the like, the same way i view the stripping industry. my personal views are that it is a very sad and pathetic business... i mean, think about the "regulars" - the guys who go weekly or several times a week, would they still go as often if they had more meaning in their life? and the girls, well i've known several strippers (or dancers, whatever) and when they are doing it, they act so proud, so empowered, but years after, they regret exploiting themselves in that manner and some have even admit it was their lack of self-esteem that prompted them to do it... so for me, it appears that it is all a self-assurance issue. these girls don't have the self-love required for true happiness, so they seek acceptance and/or desire from the men with their dollar bills extended... i personally have always had a solid level of self-esteem, it is continually developing as i better myself as a person. i do think i'm a cute girl, but more importantly i know that i am intelligent, compassionate, honest and genuine, and i have a great sense of humor (or so i think - heh) i've been teased by my friends that i would feel differently if i was fat or had a big nose or bad skin or whatever society doesn't feel are attractive qualities... i'm not sure - that's hard to say. i think my confidence is more attractive than my physical appearance. while i don't believe myself ugly, everyone has flaws - i'm small-chested, i have cellulite, and stretch marks from having a child... but i don't dwell on that or consider having surgery to alter my appearance. instead i just buy a padded bra... ;) and sometimes i think about exercising, although i haven't actually tried that yet... hehe...
i guess what i'm saying is these girls seem to be searching for some sort of love or acceptance or in this case, internet affirmation... when i believe that they should be looking within themselves, trying to find self-love and self-acceptance. instead of focusing on how attractive we as females are or are not, we should be focusing on developing ourselves mentally instead of spending so much time and thought on who we are physically... become more knowledgable, become more compassionate, become more intellectually expressive - i don't understand how showing off your tits and ass can make you feel better about yourself - that's me. i just don't understand it so if anyone can inform me, i'm open to listen... i can't and i'm not saying this is true of all these suicide girls, but in the few encounters i've had, it appears to be the majority. and as janie lee said, i too have this feeling of wanting to save the world - but what difference can one girl and her ideals make? i live my life being a good person. i used to be a dick, and i did a lot of shitty things and treated people awful, because i could and because they let me get away with it... but you learn and you grow and every day lived through compassion makes a difference. i hope people will all at some point realize this.
~sister1
i cannot say how angry, outraged, and hurt (yes hurt) i was when i read this. it is all about me... how dare she write about me!?! why can't she just leave me the fuck alone? did she suspect that i'd find that at some time or another? did she write that shit on purpose entirely counting on the fact that i might find it?
what the fuck?!?
so i'm upset. i'm sure she reads this shit here so i'm sure she'll have a shit eating grin on her face when she discovers that it hurt my feelings that she wrote about me. fucking asshole...
the thing that makes me most upset/angry is that she isn't even getting her facts straight. she's not even stating the truth. she's not talked to me in a year and not seen me in about the same amount of time either...
the way i feel about myself, my body, and my esteem is so far from what she stated in the above bullshit and it infuriates me! the way my body looks now is so far from what she's saying and she has no way of knowing... she's not seen me naked since the removal! fucking asshole!
to go around and state such bullshit facts about me and preach that she's being all mindful and bettering herself is so fucking upsetting! she's not bettering herself and she should be able to recognize that just by the fact that she still insists on talking shit about people she knows nothing about.
some of you have seen the before/after pictures and can attest to the fact that my breasts look the same now as they did before the implants. i'm not upset anymore about how they look and i'm perfectly happy with my appearance.
i'm so mad i just want to cry! i have been thinking about this since i first read it and i just want to kick that girl's ass... she is such a slug on the face of our earth... worthless and evil... i fucking hate her!
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