10.06.05

the rat has been caught!

i knew it. i knew it was curiouoso. there's a guy named tom who started reading my old journal recently. he then found me on myspace when i stupidly linked my profile during all the dramatic sarah bullshit. i immediately thought it was him when my sister e-mailed me. he tried adding me a couple of times on myspace and finally i caved and added him.

when all the shit hit the fan with my sister i deleted all sorts of people who were on my list. all sorts of people that i don't know in real life or barely talk to in real life...

so i go to tom's notes and leave him a note saying "did you contact my sister?" to which he sent me the following e-mail...

From: Tom
To: nikki
Date: Wed Oct 05, 2005 09:40:55 PM CDT
Subject: Dear Nikki,

Dear Nikki,

From your note on my blog and on your blog, I assume you think I've some how
betrayed you or given someone your confidential information. I haven't got
time for fucking with people, I'm not into interference or head games.

Once before I told you that if I somehow made you feel bad or gave the
appearence of not being someone you feel comfortable knowing or reading your
stuff, just say so! I don't want to bring you down or anything, and you
don't have to pack up and move your site. Say the word and I'll take you off
my favorites. It would be unethical for me to read someone that doesn't want
me to. That would go for youe sister reading you if you asked her not to as
well.

Anxiously awaiting your reply, Curiouoso.

sounds like he had nothing to do with my sister finding my journal right? yeah... that's what i thought when i read it but i was still suspicious...

i replied:

From: nikki
To: Tom
Date: Wed Oct 05, 2005 10:35:10 PM CDT
Subject: Re: Dear Nikki,

tom,

i never said that you did. i was trying to think of all the known men that read me and i've contacted them all. believe me... you are not the reason for the locked journal... my sister is.

i don't know her exact ip address so i cannot block her adequately so i'm locked until i feel safe again.

i'm sorry if you thought i targeted you. it wasn't personal... it was because you are male.

then today i'm minding my own business, putzing around on myspace, and i get a message from tom.

it says this:

From: Tom

Date: Oct 6, 2005 1:56 PM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject: Read this!
Body:

[link removed to protect my ass]

Todays entry is all about you! It's a must read. I'm sorry that you'll hate me now!

Tom - Curiouoso

this guy is nuts!

so i go to his journal address that he linked and this is what i find:

2005-10-06 - 10:54 a.m.

How to knowingly tiptoe through a minefield and still get blown up....
I apologize to my regular readers who may not find this very interesting. I post it only for the supposed benefit of those involved and to show the rest of you why you might not have it so bad....

An open letter to N and C.

I'm not into embarrassing you by giving any personal information but I feel misjudged and insulted. Bear in mind that personally none of it means crap to me, but somehow perhaps you both need to know how an "innocent" bystander might feel when caught in the middle of your private hate war.

I don't expect either of you to change or improve nor do I care whether you do.

C you asked me how an outsider percieved the whole thing but I avioded that because I didn't want to get further involved and I didn't want to bring you down.
Now since I've dropped N from my favoites and probably won't read either of you again, here or on myspace, I'll give the whole story from the top.

I trust that N will see I never took part in anything against her or took sides. I could have been a real friend to you some day.

C while less strident and public about this situation, you still managed to involve me and in your emails came off much like your sister. I could have been a friend to you as well, though it doesn't really matter.

I found N's blog on Dland one day and read it. She was on about her "evil" sister who had made a comment about "suicide girls" and lack of self esteem, on a public forum. The sister C, had not personally identified N, but still N was pissed. This peaked my curiouosity, so I found the reference to N and so found C on Myspace.

Reading C's blog, She seemed like a nice fairly normal person, not a witch from Hell. So I asked to be on her friends list. I had previously asked to be on N's list there also. C refused saying one of my other friends was not her friend. N I correctly assumed. C then wrote me asking questions about how I found her and why would I want to read her. She also spoke of her sister N and how they hated each other. After my explanation of the above, somewhat abbrieviated, She asked me for her sister's blog address, which I said that ethically I could not give her and that N would undoubtably think I had betrayed her in some respect.

While C said she understood, though right after that I recieved a note from N asking if I had contacted her sister. I also recieved an email from N, in answer to mine stating I didn't want to be involved in thier fratricide, that someone had revealed to her sister, C, the web address of her blog causing many problems for her, and she was absolutely paranoid now, so N locked her blog and moved.

Now for the answer to C's question how I an outsider sees the whole thing....

I can see how you both irrecoverably hate each other. I don't think it's good, but with both of your actions, as revealed not by the other, but BY YOUR OWN WORDS, this will never change.....

You are both the same. N doesn't just admit, but GLORIFYS, in insanity running in her family. She admits to not trusting anyone and to paranoia. C claims to be above the fray, but jumps right in at the first opportunity to diss her sister.

Both of you can be attractive, friendly women, both of you post pictures that show warmth and friendliness, as well as pictures that show a "hard, cold" edge to your faces. N shows one that looks like she is crazed, I'm sure C has some of those also. Both of you like tattos and have an abundance of them, colorful and highly visible. Both of you have small boys that seem cute and well taken care of. Both of you claim to have mutual friends that pity the other. Both of you are absolutly viscious in your denunciations of the other, and blame the other for everything! Both of you claim some small incident in the past where you wern't perfect, but avoid taking on any blame for this situation.

N is quick to accuse or believe others are against her or betraying her. She is a definate Drama Queen.

C doesn't trust anyone either though she is more discrete in her paranioa. She is an internalized drama queen.

I suspect that perhaps at one time C idolized her older sister only to feel letdown to find her sister had a clay heel.

Since N says she should have been aborted (!) to make her parents life better, I think she resents her sister that she percieved was more favored (?).

Both of you need to take a major chill pill. Both need to absolutely block the other out and realize it's unethical to continue trying to find anr read the other's thoughts. What do you care if the other says or thinks anything??

There you have it, my view and my amature psycoanalysis, Free of charge.

I entertain no ill will towards either of you, but who needs the trouble of trying to start or maintain any relationship fraught with paranoia and distrust?

This minefield just blew me up! And to think I went there with open eyes???

Curiouoso* fucked up this time........

i guess what i'm wondering is... am i really that big of a drama queen? am i really not validated in my feelings for my sister? am i not justified?

how could someone who had access to so much of me (in the rotted journal)... so many of my emotions... get me so wrong? i feel like he got me wrong. i've had a hard year. the whole rotted journal was simply my outlet for that year. i don't understand how he comes up with his analysis. i take full and complete blame for causing the rift in my marriage. i take full and total responsibility for my actions. i do not blame my sister for those actions. i blame her for the shitty things she did and the things that went wrong in my life as a direct result of the way she went about doing and saying things. i am responsible for my words, my actions, my life, and myself.

the worst part about reading his journal entry is all the spelling mistakes! spell check is so simple to use... it was driving me nuts! in fact, i almost wanted to spell check it before i posted it here but i thought that would take away from his post.

i can't fucking believe this shit... so a word to the wise... if curiouoso is on your favorites list... or you on his... be careful.

one last thought: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT LEAD HIM HERE!

thank you kindly.

iamlearning at 2:00 PM

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