10.06.05
kid1 story
this is the story of my first born son.
his father and i had a short courtship and got engaged within 3 months. i got pregnant soon after that... not planned.
in hindsight i doubt that i'd have married kid1's father if it weren't for the fact that i was pregnant. so we married at ages 18 and 20. i was 20.
i was 21 when kid1 was born and his father and i were not getting along. we fought almost constantly and were under a lot of undue stress being so young and having the responsibility of a child so early in our relationship. he went into the marine corp. and once basic was over he was stationed in california. i followed him out there with no one and nothing except my child and my dog and boxes of stuff. needless to say this was very difficult and took its toll on our relationship. we soon found out that he was to be shipped to japan for 6 months and that our base would be closing and moving to san diego (we were in irvine). this new stressful news coupled with our already rocky relationship pushed us over the edge.
i decided to move home and he would close up our stuff and store it while in japan. at the time i thought we would stay together but that truly was the end of our short marriage. when i got home i had no support from anyone. my brother and sister were too young to really help me out with the baby, my mother is a crack addled alcoholic, and my father had disowned me for having kid1 and getting married in the first place. i was mostly alone with the exception of a few friends.
i moved in with a friend and her roommate when i returned home. i lived on her couch with my baby for several months. i moved home with my son (9 months old), 14 boxes of stuff, and my sanity. that was all i had.
i got a part-time job as that was all that was available to me and my friend babysat kid1 while i worked. i was making minimum wage and it was not even close to enough to care for kid1 and myself. it was a good thing that kid1's father was sending money home and that i had a nice stock of savings with which to live off of. i did this for a few months and then the money ran out. ex-husband stopped sending money saying that as soon as the marine corp. found out we were getting divorced they stopped giving him money for the 2 of us.
i know now that this was bullshit but at the time i had no idea and i trusted this man... i trusted this man that i married and had a child with.
so we started talking about what we should do. i entertained the idea of putting kid1 up for adoption, which i'm so deeply ashamed to admit.
then ex-husband's parents offered to help. they offered to take kid1 until his father and i could care for him. it seemed like a good solution for the moment and i agreed.
kid1 was 14 months old.
later the in-laws talked me into giving up guardianship so that they could get medical care for kid1. being that i was 21, ignorant, and had no support i really believed they were helping me and intended to give him back when i could take care of him myself. i believed this.
this was the biggest mistake of my life. i had never made a worse one before or since this time and i regret it still with each breath i take.
the day they came to take him away was just like any other day they came to get him for a visit. except they took all his stuff too. he smiled and waved to me and was very happy.
i cried all night long clinging to a pair of my son's sweatpants that smelled a little of urine and a lot of him. i cried and cried like i've never cried before and i regretted it instantly but i didn't know what else i could have done. i couldn't feed him or care for him without the money from his father and i know that i did the right thing for him at the time... i just wish i had had other options.
so the days passed and i saw him several days a week. soon tho'... he figured out he was not staying with me. the day this happened i will never forget because it broke something in him and i am so very sorry about it. i saw it in his face as that thing in him broke. i will never forget it.
he saw his grandparents' car and began screaming "no!!", crying, and clinging to me. he wouldn't let go of my shirt and i was doing my best to be strong and not cry as i put him in the car seat. i pried his hands off of my shirt and he was screaming "no mama, no mama!!"... it broke my heart. it makes me cry as i write this. i damaged my kid so much on that day and he was never the same afterwards.
i spoke to the in-laws later that day to make sure he calmed down because i was so worried about him and his grandmother said he stopped crying immediately as they drove away but that he's not been the same since. they told me how he just moped around like he was depressed for about 3 days after they picked him up. they told me that they didn't want me to see him so often because it wasn't good for him to be so upset.
that's when i stopped getting to see my child and i was only allowed to see him every other weekend.
this went on for a few months and i got my shit together. i got enrolled in college again and got kid1 a spot in the on-campus daycare. i got a part-time job and a friend who agreed to watch him for free while i worked. everything was falling into place.
the day i asked for him back i will never forget what the grandmother said to me. her exact words were "you're lucky you get to see him at all.". needless to say they didn't give him back to me.
i fell into a deep depression and lost my will to accomplish anything. i thought my life was over... my son was my life and i couldn't have him.
so i gave up. i was defeated. i took what i could get from them and enjoyed the short time i had with him.
time passed and i got my shit together a little more... was in and out of college... went from one job to the next... just living my life day by day.
then i met husband.
he changed my life.
husband facilitated my reunion with my father and that side of my family. he encouraged me and supported me in a way that i've never had these things. he was a godsend.
a year or so later (kid1 was now 4) i was at easter with my father and his side of the family. his current wife (my step-mother) is an attorney and she asked me questions about kid1 and my situation when we were in the food line. i'd never really talked to her prior to this and was surprised by her interest in talking to me at all. i was abandoned, after all, and not worth talking to. so she told me that the guardianship issue, which generally is permanent, has been overturned in a couple of cases and that she'd help me get my son back. she said she'd help me divorce kid1's father too. so we began this journey to getting my child back and my forgiving myself for this heinous transgression against my child.
i still, today, have so much guilt and pain associated with what happened with my first born. i still think it effects him today. it makes me so sad.
long story short... kid1's father and his family fought my getting my son tooth and nail. they hated the idea of my getting custody of him and fought long and hard in children's court as well as family court. it was a draining and horrible battle but i won. thanks to my wonderful, caring, and self-less stepmother i won! i can never thank her enough or repay her for what she's given me.
sometime i may write about the court shit but it seriously is hard to relive. it hurts so much to even think about this shit. it's hard.
iamlearning at 12:14 PM