10.10.05
in her shoes
you know what's funny? i actually have been mentally going over my entry before i sat down to write it because i didn't want it to be dramatic... can you believe it?!? i was actually thinking of ways to downplay my dramatic edge because i don't want people to get the wrong impression of me...
that's the most retarded thing i think i've almost done in quite some time so i'd like to say a big fat fuck you to those of you whose words caused me to almost defile my truthfulness to myself.
i went to see the movie in her shoes tonight.
by myself i might add.
i wish i wouldn't have seen it.
it was an excellent film with heartfelt performances from cameron diaz, toni collette, and shirley maclaine. the story simply hit too close to home. not in the sense of storyline... more in the emotional mindfuck sense.
i have too much emotional baggage regarding my sister and mother to attend a viewing of a movie such as this without walking out of there with tear stained cheeks and the most pathetic longing for things which will never be.
why does my life have to hold such hurts? why can't my family be normal... healthy... simple?
i wish i wasn't so filled with paranoia and fear all the time. i wish i could trust people. i wish i could trust my sister and mother. i wish i could love them freely and have them love me in the same way. i wish we could have a functionally normal family. i wish i was mentally sane and emotionally level.
i wish my sister could admit to what she's done so i could get on with the business of healing and forgiving. i wish my mother was capable of honesty and self respect.
i want so badly to be done with these things...
my sister sends me e-mails of forked tongue empty apologies filled with meaningless drivel. hollow words full of seething lies that rub their hands together just anticipating the day they are within the secured boundaries of my trust, compassion, and love. i know this to be true.
my sister has uttered more hurtful words to me and about me than i even have the vocabulary to give life to. she has said more evil things than i care to remember. i just don't know how someone could be so hurtful over and over and over again. it's unending.
i will never be free of this pain and i will never forgive her without admission of wrongdoing. i simply cannot.
the movie was excellent... go see it...
now then... if you're new here... feel free to backtrack and then go to rotted for the most dramatic year of my life... user id: visitor ~ password: trustworthy.
if you'd like something a little less... um... shall we say... dramatic?... please go get yourself an origami boulder. they are lovely, maintenance free, and (since it's the thought that counts) guaranteed to make the gift recipient giggle 'til it hurts.
iamlearning at 9:40 PM