history
the history lesson...
this is the third journal in i've had to move to in about 2 years. the second journal was started for a couple of reasons... the most important one being because i need to vent and i enjoy doing it in this sort of forum. it's good for me to have unbiased opinions thrown into my mix so i can try and see my situations from other perspectives. that's what this journal is for me... a sounding board where i can state my issues and others can tell me how they see it. i welcome comments and enjoy receiving them.
i had a different journal (the first one) which i kept for almost 4 years prior to the birth of the second one. the second journal was born when the first one was used against me.
confused yet?
i've done a lot of horrible things in my lifetime and i made one of the worst mistakes known to man in october of 2003. i cheated on my husband. it wasn't the typical, full-blown, all out there cheating but it was cheating none the less. it was a one-time incident and i regretted it. i regret it still...
i made peace with the situation and put it behind me until one fateful day when i had a falling out with my younger sister. we have never had a positive relationship yet over the years i began to believe her when she said she's changed. i started to trust her... trust in her... a bit more and started to confide in her. the reason for the mention of my sister is that (without any actual proof) i believe in my heart that my sister did the heinous thing that almost ruined my marriage and facilitated the birth of this journal. my sister is the same as she always has been... and i suppose i should have simply kept my mouth shut... previously, (in fact, many years ago) i had never told her anything of importance in my life because she always (inevitably) used it against me in some way. as it turned out... this was to be no different.
this journal was started the day after my 3-year wedding anniversary. husband and i had gone to a neighboring big city for an overnight stay in a fabulous hotel... complete with a day of shopping... a lovely lunch... and late night dinner reservations. all was going smoothly and we were celebrating our union when we received a package at the door of our hotel room. the package had to be signed for and it was in my husband's name. the return address was also his name.
needless to say, we were quite befuddled by the whole thing since the only people who knew where we were staying, other than husband's mother (who was babysitting kid 2), were whoever randoms read the original journal... only 3 people who know me personally read it and i doubted any of them would send husband something so... i deduced that it was likely from husband's mother. of course, that deduction changed the moment i saw what was inside...
when he opened it my heart literally stopped. there, at the top of the page, was the image from my journal. i took the package away from him just as he was asking what it was and i said that it was my journal. he wanted to know why someone would send him my journal.
i knew right away why. i told him i didn't want him to read it. it went back and forth like this for a moment or two and then i admitted that i cheated on him.
in the end he snatched it from me and locked himself in the bathroom to read it.
this is to be the time that our marriage took a hit. the hardest hit it ever took.
i didn't know which end was up and neither did he.
when we returned we pretended like everything was well while secretly we were both dying inside.
don't get me wrong in all of this... i am well aware of my role in this betrayal. i know it's my fault entirely... i also know that he had a right to know... still... it wasn't her place to say it and it makes her a horrible human being (in my opinion) for taking it upon herself. there is no good reason to do that sort of thing to someone... no positive motive...
anyway, this is what resulted in my deletion of the original journal. all the entries back to about the first year were deleted. it took me 5 hours to get that far... then i just changed the template so that it could no longer be found. in time diaryland will delete it because it is no longer being used.
the name, rotted, for the second journal was because that's how i felt about my entire life when that journal began on july 29th of 2004. each day things get better and it is likely that the layout will reflect this. so when the layout is all perky and whatnot yet the name is rotted i anticipate some curiosity about the origin of the name.
so that's a bit of history...
it is likely that as my life, my marriage, and the healing from this particular mistake happens i will be changing information here.
i am optimistic about my life and this love that i have. i have high hopes that soon i will no longer be talking about it or thinking about it and so this page seems necessary to explain the origin of the name.
it's now been over 3 months since this happened... we are healing, husband and i, slowly but with certainty. our marriage is stronger and we have no more secrets. there is still a lot of hurt and sometimes anger but we're working through it... day by day.
well... it's been a year now. *whew* that was rough!
today is Friday, August 5th, 2005. my life is smooth... there's been some rough spots but everythings is indeed working out in the end as this too shall pass... the story of my life.
husband and i are doing well. we are working through the differences we do have and i rarely think about the cheating anymore. i don't know if it crosses his mind but i don't ask either... poking at old wounds and all that jazz...
i am rotted no more...
i left the rotted journal behind on october 4th of 2005 because someone who was reading it gave the link to my sister. i guess it was a blessing in disguise considering i am no longer saddled with that which was rotting within me... things are looking up and the new journal will reflect that. i am constantly learning and hopefully growing...
to get more indepth and detailed with the individual story of my sister... go to the story of my sister ~ part 1 and the story of my sister ~ part 2. be prepared tho'... it is retardedly long...
iamlearning at