Dec. 13, 2007
maybe i just need to drink more water
i'm really having a hard time getting started. i just don't want to write. i NEED to write. i WANT to write. i just don't want to write. i'm feeling apathetic and sad. i'm feeling depressed but i don't know what depressed is so i'm not sure that's what i'm feeling.
i don't want to do anything.
i want to hibernate. i want to curl up in a ball and stay there until summer.
i'm having a hard time getting started all around i guess.
not just here.
so now the ball is rolling and we can get to the meat of it.
something funny happened yesterday at work. i'm bartending and i was working the happy hour shift. funny not haha funny. so something funny happened. i was telling joe, my boss, about some derby drama and the conversation went something along these lines.
i was telling him how one of my teammates has decided to quit the league. after she bailed on us and didn't show up for our most recent bout. she did a silent protest which none of us knew about and she then wrote a myspace blog calling us all hootchies and cunts. then joe went to the bathroom.
but i digress... let me backup. there was only one other person sitting at the bar. there was a guy. he was sitting at the bar and when he first came in [after i served him] i was cleaning up the bar and there was a shepard express sitting next to him. it's a local paper. i asked him if he was reading it and he said no, but that it was his illustration that was on the cover. then he tells me he works for the paper. i said cool and then i cleaned up the paper and put it away.
so this guy is sitting at the bar while i'm having this convo with joe. joe gets up and goes to the bathroom and the guy is putting on his jacket. i walk over to him and ask him if he's all set. he says yes and then asks "so, what team are you on?"
i immediately think to myself, oh shit!, because we're not supposed to disclose information about the league because we signed a non-disclosure agreement.
so i tell him what team i play for and then he asks which girl is causing all the trouble. i tell him that i can't tell him that. then he says...
wait for it...
then he says: "is she a photographer?"
imagine a balloon deflating. that's how i felt.
he was referring to me. he thought i was talking about me as the asshole causing all the trouble.
this is so defeating.
so i looked up who this dude was as soon as he left. it turns out he's dating a woman that works for a local magazine/paper that i once almost worked for but didn't due to a situation i had with a friend of hers.
how stupid. so i have this asshole reputation preceding me for something that i'm totally justified for. here's a link to a blog post about the original situation that caused this situation. fuckin' lame-os.
i'm tired of writing this shit...
i'm just tired of being judged. i'm tired of people thinking that i'm an asshole because i refuse to compromise my integrity. i'm tired of people thinking i'm an asshole because i won't lie to you and pretend i like you when i don't. i don't need your money. i don't want your money. i don't want to compromise my artistic integrity just to work for you. seriously... it's not worth it to me. why do you take offense to that?
it makes me so tired and sad.
iamlearning at 9:38 AM